perspective is necessary.

for far too long now, i have been trying to twist and contort to fit into this world and find where it is that i am supposed to be. and now that i am back in america i know that i was naive to think that this would all come easy.

living in germany-that was a long hard time. i feel like i've lost so much opportunity. and for a long time, i was feeling like a huge failure, i was feeling very old and unattractive. yes, i have a great husband who was much more patient and understanding than he ever had to be. for that, i am so thankful. but i would rather that story remain untold-at least for everyone else. i guess it will always be in one of those books i have filled with words and more words. the thing that is important- i have really come back from all of that. i am finished bending my head down and hiding behind my hair.

and i know that i have so much to offer. and it is so hard to watch everyone with all of the things that they have figured out. because i know that i am so close to that too. i can taste it. i feel like i have so many choices and they are all floating on the surface but somehow they are pulled away from me right when i stretch my arm to grab. there are just so many people that i want to be. i want all of it. there are things that discourage me, like the fact that the education system is an awfully large sham. but i am not going to waste my time looking at closed doors.

i just want to feel and listen and breathe in the summer air that is filled with magic and freshly mowed grass. and i will because any other way sounds like the worst. and i want all of those mighty fears that are always hovering around my head to vanish because they have never helped anyone get anywhere.

i am so glad that there are people&books that i can go to for advice and for some assurance. i am even grateful for the worst of times, that really were as bad as they seemed. and for all of the other arduous battles that will lead me and my family to our proper places.