our day with the birthday girl!

I took a day off work to be with my girls for Eleanor's birthday!

We started the day with gifts! ::

I gave Eleanor a Madame Alexander baby doll. If my grandmother was still with us, she would have given her one just like she did for Zara. This was in her honor :) ::

Social distancing at our favorite pool::

Baby on her very first birthday::

Eleanor & her fav macaroni from Panera::

Zara picked out our activity for the day, she did a great job.

We had a great afternoon!

My last time pumping. I made it an entire year & I am still here!!!!!!!!

The last bottle...

She was terrified of her sparkler candle but her cake was so cute with decorations courtesy of Zara::

Happy Birthday sweet angel! 

This week we celebrate...

Our family is celebrating Eleanor's first birthday this coming week. I am celebrating the end of breastfeeding. We celebrate Zara's first year of being a sister. We celebrate surviving some very hard days. We celebrate our family feeling so complete with Eleanor. Bring on the cake!

Eleanor's Blessing.

Before Eleanor was born, we had planned on having her baby blessing in our church with Jonas' family in Germany. We waited until the last moment, but had to cancel our trip due to Covid-19. We had her blessing here in Kentucky instead. We love our little angel, Eleanor. It is so wonderful to celebrate her presence in this world & think of the hopes we have for her future. She is such a gift. 

Sunflowers make me think of Eleanor. They make me happy just like she does::

Our forever family::

I love Eleanor's gown, such a perfect heirloom piece::

We had family over for the blessing and lunch afterward. It was a wonderful, special day::

Josephine Sculpture Park.

We had a happy little afternoon at Josephine Sculpture Park (Frankfort, KY). We met my sister & her girls there. It was so nice to have a plan, a meeting time and a place to go with family (& it was pandemic friendly! There weren't many people out anyway.) I did love the sculptures, but mostly I loved playing "hot potato" while sitting in the grass (& led by Zara), chatting about what's going on with everyone, enduring the heat together, Zara's proud moment when she used the restroom in the field, taking photos & all the love they have for Z & E. I have really been missing the way things were before the pandemic. This helped a little. 

the longest shortest year.

Eleanor is getting close to her first birthday.

One year.

WOW.

It has been one tough year since Eleanor was born.

We have been through so much in this one little year.

It has been a year full of change and turmoil for the whole world. 

My family has been trying to survive my postpartum depression & severe anxiety. I was diagnosed with both but I feel myself getting better & the severity of these mental illnesses lessens with time. Even though this has been difficult, I am thankful for the perspective my two postpartum experiences have given me. I have learned that there is so much you cannot control in your mind, even though you try so hard. Long story short, it felt like everything was a big deal and like I was in a tiny box with no way out. I have barely kept my sanity but have tried to hold on. Postpartum stuff is not a joke, Jim.

I have had a hard time adjusting to two kiddos & not being able to do all of the things I normally do. My postpartum body is still healing & finding strength. I miss so much about how it used to be too.

The Covid-19 pandemic has been a lot. We will never be the same. 

My job has been so tough the past several months. There have been major changes and I have sat across from families experiencing indescribable grief. Unfortunately, this has included some people that I love. It has also included the pain of the pandemic restrictions. I hope I never have to deny a grieving person their community again (by only allowing 10 people).

My first year with two baby girls has been rocky but it is not lost on me that I am very fortunate. My family is healthy & we are here to see another day. I have another sweet baby! We get to come home and be with her. She has added more love and light to our family. She is supposed to be right here with us. I am so thankful that I get to be her mom & that I get to be in the presence of my daughters every day. I will keep trying for my Ellie & my Zara.