the two week wait.

*print from Emily Winfield Martin

I don't usually get very personal with anyone, but think I should do it more. I always appreciate it and learn from others when they are vulnerable. But I do hesitate to share because this is about trying to have another baby & I feel guilty because I have Zara. It doesn't seem fair that I should be sad. Plus, I have met with many mothers who have lost a child and that makes me feel guilty for wanting more while their arms are empty. Also- I could be pregnant next month. Then I will feel stupid for saying anything. So, disclaimer, this is written with respect and awareness of that.

It has been well over a year of hoping for another baby.
It started before my 2nd marathon last year. I thought it would be so cool to run it with baby #2. I was a little bummed about that, but it was earlier on with trying. I never imagined it would even be an issue.

So, for a several months I didn't worry. But at some point, it started to interfere with life. When you are trying, you  are constantly living in limbo waiting for such a huge life change. The two week wait is really waiting all the time. I never knew how exhausting and hopeful/ hopeless you can feel at times. Like many people, I am impatient & feel ready to move to the next phase- or to know if it will ever come. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster.

So yes, it has been tough to wait- we all like to feel in control even though we rarely are. Still.
Every month the symptoms of my period arrive and I want to believe they are pregnancy symptoms. I even deny it will happen and wait for the last possible moment to buy feminine products and I buy them in small quantities. Because surely this is the last month I will need them for a while.

I constantly check the calendar and log things in an app I use. I have gone to the doctor, taken the vitamins, read all the articles, tried the tricks, wondered constantly about what is wrong. Just waiting for the day when the stars align.

Meanwhile, the age gap between Zara and the baby we hope to have keeps growing wider. & the maternity clothes get musty in the closet. I am very thankful for the perspective this has given me on infertility. But like anyone dealing with it, I hope it will end soon.